Wrestle Close to Christ with Roxie Beckles of That Black Catholic Chick
"Quitting the Christian Life. It's Too Hard...."
This is the title of a YouTube video Roxie Beckles, "That Black Catholic Chick" filmed a year ago. Roxie awakened in the very early morning hours and was having a "dark night of the soul."
Roxie's depth of vulnerability about her personal struggle with the demands of an authentic Christian life was untouched before Roxie pushed "publish." The video has over 30K views.
There is no mistaking that Roxie knows suffering.
In this Lenten podcast, Roxie revisits where she was at a year ago when she filmed this video. She then takes a deep dive into what she has learned from God ever since.
We can't be lukewarm in our Catholic faith--we must make a complete surrender and be "all in." This includes sharing barrenly about our struggles with our faith and wrestling close to Christ.
Roxie encourages listeners with this: If you aren’t wrestling in some way with your faith, you need to go deeper this Lent.
You can find Roxie on YouTube @thatblackcatholicchick or @TheologyOfFitness, as well as at https://www.roxiebeckles.com.
Transcript:
Lindy Wynne (00:01.513)
Welcome to Mamas in Spirit, a podcast pointing you towards God in everything you are and everything you do. I'm Lindy Wynne and it's a blessing to be with you. Hello everyone and welcome. Welcome to this mini retreat and a podcast. It's time for us to gather as sisters in Christ and really explore the transformative work in our lives. For those of you who are new, Mamas in Spirit is like going on a woman's retreat and hearing a witness talk, hearing a testimony how
how God has reached into a difficult time, a difficult circumstance like we all face, and God has done the work, the transformative work in His love that only He can do. And for this Lenten series, this Lenten podcast, we are here with Roxie Beckles Roxie, it is a delight to be with you.
Roxie Beckles (00:48.293)
Amen. Thank you so much. I'm really excited to be here.
Lindy Wynne (00:53.224)
Well, and Roxie, I spent some time on your YouTube channel and I was just so moved and so touched by you. And I think that it really speaks to the heart of the matter for Mamas in Spirit and why we're here is so that we all know that we're never alone, no matter what we're facing, no matter what's going on. Not only is God with us, Emmanuel, whether or not we're sensing it in that moment, but that we all face great sufferings and great trials in our lives and that God redeems.
and that we're here because that's God's good design to be together in that as sisters in Christ. So in that spirit and in the Holy Spirit, let us begin in prayer. In name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, amen. Dearest Lord, thank you so much for blessing us with your Son with Christ and really a blueprint of how to surrender our hearts and lives, albeit imperfectly as we are human.
as you call each one of us. And Lord, I just pray during this time of Lent that we all in a sense spend time with Jesus in the garden, that we all get on our knees and we all imagine ourselves there with him so that you can work in and through us, Lord. You can touch us with the divine healing that only you can give. Lord, you know when I started this mini retreat in a podcast, I had no idea it was gonna be a healing podcast. I had and have no plans for it. So Lord, we just pray for your divine will.
in all of our hearts and in our lives and in this time together. In your name we pray, amen. In the of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, amen. So Roxie, I would love for you to start at the beginning of your story.
Roxie Beckles (02:33.945)
Wow, that's such a broad place to start. Well, I guess we can start at the very beginning. That's always fun. I was born in New York City and I was raised in a very Catholic home. a Catholic school my whole life. I kindergartened all the way through college basically because I graduated from Fordham University. Even though there was a little stint where I was at a public university and a dance conservatory for a while.
I moved to Los Angeles to pursue career ambitions in the arts, kind of got sidelined to the Monali side line, kind of saw that my calling after a while was not for that. It felt like for me, my draw to the arts is because I've always kind of known that God's call for me was to inspire others to greatness. I've known that since I was a kid. So the arts seemed like a really perfect way to do that, a very perfect and easy way to do that.
But after a number of years in end, especially as I got more into commercial in Hollywood, I kind of saw that I didn't want to sell my soul for success. So it's like, okay, great. And that's how fitness really came more forefront for me. I have a very extensive background in fitness. I've kind of in it since I was like a teenager. And I got into personal training and fitness and...
Lindy Wynne (03:40.908)
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Roxie Beckles (03:56.564)
Now that's really the vehicle by which I not only help women in particular to train their bodies and to become healthier, but to see the glory and the goodness in what God has given us in our bodies as well. So that's pretty much primarily what I do today. I also do some apostolate work online through my YouTube channel, That Black Catholic Chick. And yeah, I mean, that's pretty much the nutshell version of my bio.
and just kind of writing that story every day as God wills it.
Lindy Wynne (04:31.953)
Yes, and that is really where I feel like I encountered your heart, encountered your soul was on the YouTube channel because being that this is a Lenten podcast, Roxie, what touched me was that you had a very difficult night, a night that I believe that you refer to as the dark night of the soul for yourself. And you actually recorded yourself really sharing and navigating and just in complete authenticity.
about what you are experiencing. And so I would love for you to share with us about that night and that really let an experience for you and how God has been at work because that was almost a year ago, which I felt like was providential. And there's great symbolism in that that we're coming together today almost a year later from that time.
Roxie Beckles (05:21.097)
Yeah, absolutely. mean, I was fortunate enough to take a course with the Avila Institute that was rooted in the Discernment of Spirit. So I was well versed in the work of St. Ignatius and the Discernment and the 14 Rules and all that stuff. So when I was going through that period, I was able to actually identify it because of the fact that I actually studied it. But I think that
All in all, one of the things about being in those kind of dark periods is that we all go through them and that it's a part of the faith journey because it's not true that once you embrace the faith of God and what he has on your heart, what he has for you, that it's going to be easy sailing. You know, one of the things that brings us closer to him is going through difficulty. And as someone who just had already committed to sharing a very open part of my faith and my journey,
You know, I never set out to set to start a Catholic YouTube channel. It's never anything I actually wanted to do or had any interest in doing at all. But when things started to take off in a way that had my number one promise to my audience for me in my heart is authenticity at all times, whether that looked like me, you know, showing me at my most vulnerable moment or the high points as well. And I think that's important because there's kind of a Pollyanna
I feel sometimes when it comes to perfectly women in the Catholic space that a lot of people can't relate to. I could not relate to it. And so that's kind of the background as to why at all I felt comfortable with saying, hey, this is what I'm going through tonight. This is one of the hardest nights for me. This is actually a point for me where I, the spiritual path that God set me on made me, yes, sit back and question, why do you believe what you believe?
And yeah, this is hard and it's very hard. hard to, you can't have one foot in the world and one foot with Christ. It doesn't work like that. You have to give everything. You have to give it all away. You'd have to walk away from everything and detach. And that was the moment that I had that immense realization for myself. So being able to, you know, I didn't have anyone to talk to. It was really early in the morning. It was around 3 a.m. maybe 4 a.m. I don't know how early it was, but it was early enough for me to not, to have the,
Roxie Beckles (07:46.152)
the couth enough to not reach out to my friends and wake them up. Even though I could have, but that wasn't what was on my heart. So I took to my camera and just said, hey, this is who I am. And didn't expect it to do anything or go anywhere. I usually share stuff like that on my member side that's more vulnerable, but I was like, you know what? Other people may be going through some hard times to let me share it. And that's kind of the inception behind it all. It was nothing kind of orchestrated or thought out. It's like,
Lindy Wynne (07:48.01)
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Roxie Beckles (08:14.482)
Here's what it is, folks. This is the video for this week. Merry Christmas. Then, I mean, with anything, you have a choice when it comes to faith. You can either let things break you or you can go deeper and get stronger. And that's what you're supposed to do. If you truly believe in God's word, if you truly believe in the scriptures, if you truly understand the sacrifice of Christ. So I said, OK, let me go ahead and
to my spiritual director, which I did the next, that day actually, was a Confession, was a Saturday. bawled my eyes out. And from there, opened up a pathway that has led me to where I am today. Stronger in faith, even greater faithfulness, an even deeper dive into Catholic teaching and Catholic history and just, just Christianity in general.
Lindy Wynne (08:49.005)
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Roxie Beckles (09:05.613)
And I'm still evolving. I'm not there yet. You know, I'm now I'm in a new world and it's a new it's a new it's a new I wouldn't call it a dark night, but it's definitely a new place where I'm very uncomfortable and I have to be pushed. But I realized the beauty of this is that God that's how God works with all of us to make you go to the brinks of the high and then bring it down to the low and say, hey, what's next? Let's get up and fight. You got to wrestle with God. You to be like Israel. Let's go home, you know.
And so that's kind of like the trajectory of that. And the end result again is just me learning how to grow and stay even more faithful.
Lindy Wynne (09:47.959)
Yes, all by the glory and praise to God. Thank you so much for sharing all of that, Roxie. And for all of us gathered, I think that's at the heart of this because Roxie, you do public ministry. And now I...
do some public ministry too. And I relate to you when you say like this wasn't my plan. Like for me, Mabas in Spirit was a mustard seed planted in my heart. I'd never listened to a podcast. I didn't even know what a podcast was. I barely listen to them now because you probably know like in the creating of podcasts and also that deep desire to stay so close to Christ and have it be Christ centered rather than Lindy centered.
Like I can't get distracted and distracted by the world or what other people are doing. I'm trying to keep my yes so fixed on the Lord, albeit very, very imperfectly. And the Scripture that comes to mind listening to your oxy is let your yes mean yes and your no mean no, Matthew 5 37. And what I'm hearing from you, which I think we can all identify is when we really grapple and maybe it's grappling and having a dark night of the soul and really suffering or just
just having a very, very difficult time, whether it's in a vocational call or whether it's in parenting a child if someone has a child or just all the different things in our lives that God calls us into that are very, very hard, even if someone is in religious life. Like that is a vocational call that requires a constant yes to the Lord. And so saying yes to the Lord is very vulnerable. Like I didn't plan on praying about Jesus in the garden.
yet I think that's at the heart of this is that like Christ said yes to the Lord time and time again. And that I talked with this about with Father John in the podcast for Lent that we recorded, the Mini Retreat in a Podcast is that like Jesus sweat blood. Like that's how scary it was. Like that's the level of anxiety because Jesus was fully divine and fully human. And so in our yeses, they can be filled with
Lindy Wynne (11:48.688)
so much fear or suffering or anxiety. And in our smallness, I'll speak of my own smallness, like I think what you're touching on, correct me if I'm wrong, Roxie, is our full dependence on God, because it's too much for us. And so like for me, when I really struggle or I really suffer, I think of myself like wrestling in a sense with myself, with the Lord, because of who I am. What it reminds me of is like, I cannot do this on my own.
I am fully and utterly dependent on God. Much like Talitha Khoum in Scripture the story of the little girl who God reached down, Jesus reached down, took her hand and said, little girl arise, because like for me, like I can't do it on my own. Is that what I'm hearing from you?
Roxie Beckles (12:35.301)
mean that's the story of Salvation right there. You know, that's the entire Scripture right there. You can't do it on your own. And I think that, you know, particularly for people who are on a quest to go deeper in faith, that becomes more and more evident is that you can't do it on your own. You know, and every trial, every suffering, everything that we encounter in our lives that challenges the reality that you can't do this alone is a hard pill to swallow.
And it's not until you can surrender completely and humble yourself and empty yourself and lower yourself in the way that Christ, lowered himself to man to come to the earth to be with us. You have to have that kind of level of humility, except that you cannot do this alone. And that takes sometimes falling on your back. There is a very popular motivational speaker, name is Eric Thomas. And he has a quote that's exactly that. That was something that was very,
That even saw my clients to this day because it's been very impactful for me and it goes fall on your back Because when you fall on your back, you can look up if you can look up you can get up That's kind of again that's the message that Christ hasn't talked for us fall on your back. It's okay You know, it's okay to have trials and tribulations and questions. It's okay to question your faith. It's okay The question of God is real. It's okay. That is fine. But what where is that? What's going to? Send you and are you humble enough?
to admit that at the end of the day, God is real, his love for you is real, his love for you is infinite, and that struggle is an opportunity to not only grow close to him, but to offer up that for the sake of others and the sake of souls, for the sake of the sick, for the sake of the poor, for the sake of the abandoned, and anyone else that you know needs that prayer.
You know, so I think that was another thing for me too when I was going through it. wasn't just about one of the things I really experienced in my own darkness is, and that's just one time. mean, it's been a few times in my life where it might have been for a day, might've been for an hour, might've been for a whole month, might've been for longer, where you question what the heck, my stars, I've been praying, I've been here. But I did learn at the end that God's providence is real and he does not lie. He's told us that, you know,
Roxie Beckles (14:59.915)
that you're going to struggle, but I'll be there for you at the end. I think, again, I think all of these things are important conversations in the journey to faith because they get glossed over by folks. I mean, when you start setting the word, then you see it. This is the message all the time, but for a lot of folks who are just moving through that trip, that threshold of like that veneer and that lukewarmness or that surface-ness of faith into the deep, then that's when you start to see these things come alive. And that...
Lindy Wynne (15:25.091)
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Roxie Beckles (15:28.757)
part of my life was me moving from the surface even nearer of faith. And I would hate to call it that because I was still developed. But if I compare what I am today, because of what I went through, it's a completely different that amorphous is and a completely different person. I don't know if that makes any kind of sense. But but the lesson was that in the struggle, there's triumph.
Lindy Wynne (15:52.915)
Yes, yeah, it all makes sense. And I love how you shared that quote about lying on the back because I've never heard that before. I always think of being face down and also like in reverence of Lord, but that is so beautiful. And I have an image right next to me that was from the business card of one of my girlfriends who's now in heaven. That was a great loss for me in my life. And she had an image of Mary on her business card because she made rosaries and Mary is her gaze is upward.
her gaze is towards heaven. And when this girlfriend passed away, Carolyn, I remember looking at her in hospice and her gaze, like the gaze of her soul was upward towards heaven. So I think of that concept of like laying on our backs and like looking up. then that also does tie into the Toletha kum, like Jesus helping us to rise and knowing that full dependency. Can you share with us, Roxie, a time in your life where you felt like you really fell on your back?
and that God did a work in you to help you to rise anew.
Roxie Beckles (16:53.982)
I'm trying to think if I can think of one. like, yeah, I can't really think of one. But I mean, but if we were talking about, I mean, if we can, I mean, if again, if we can just take a look at what any one of your listeners can go to view, be, you know, a record of history that right there in that point that I was in my life. Now, I mean, to tell you, I haven't actually watched the video in a year, and I'm not even sure if I really want to watch it again, because I think it was a point for me that I lived through.
Lindy Wynne (17:00.697)
Whichever one you want to share.
Roxie Beckles (17:21.765)
And I saw, and for me, I don't need to see it again. You know, I think it's there for consumer, for other folks to consume and learn from now. And that's why I definitely, of course, leave it up because I have no embarrassment about anything. Like this is, this is human, you know? But I can't even, I can't even remember or articulate what the catalyst for that was, except for the fact that I knew at that point in my life, I was fighting against a lot of changes that I didn't necessarily want to make.
And a lot of it had to do with choosing to, again, how much of myself do I need to give in order to follow Christ? How much of my own worldliness? How much of my own obsession with success? How much of my own concerns with just things of this world that I was really still trying to grasp while living a life of Christ and seeing, you can't do that, girl. You gotta just let it all go. So I think that was, if I can think about one of
moments where I had a difficult time that changed me for the better and changed me spiritually with that moment. But as I said, I mean, I can remember the just like the like the the overall catalyst of what that was. But to go back and revisit it for me, it's kind of like one of those things are like, know, I don't even think I can. It's not for me to spectate for myself.
Lindy Wynne (18:22.405)
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Roxie Beckles (18:45.103)
You know, it's like that lived experience helped me to grow, but I think it's for others in that point in my past for others to see. So I definitely implore others, you know, check out my YouTube channel, that Black Catholic chick. think it's on one of the playlists, like right on the front of my page. Like I think I put it out there so people can find it. But like I said, I mean, there have been so many points and it can be anything. had family members who were ill very close to me this past summer that I had to be the medical power of attorney from.
Lindy Wynne (19:03.745)
you
Roxie Beckles (19:14.477)
from across the United States. I'm on the other side of the country from my family. But I had to handle a lot of things and make sure this person who nearly died got the care that they needed. That took a lot of faith. And putting off that up Rosaries, Masses, and she came out healthy. And with her heart oriented closer back to her Catholic faith rather than just her belief in God in Protestantism, it turned her back to wanting to pray the Rosary.
and to stand fast to her love for the Blessed Mother. I put her in the care of Blessed Mother. So I look at the points like that in my life, which were really tough that I had to deal with just recently. But the end result is always that orientation to say, is hard, go there, look there. And so yeah, I can't pinpoint just one because there's been so many, but.
I invite other people to definitely go watch that video to kind of see more of that specific whatever I was wanting about the video at that time.
Lindy Wynne (20:17.747)
Well, and I think that that's what's so consoling about it for all of us here gathered today and and I will put up a link to that specific video as well is that like you said Roxie like at some point we all suffer that much and we all struggle that much and may even have a dark night of the soul and that may happen more than once in our lifetimes and so the consolation like you talked about Pollyanna and it's really interesting because
I have a beloved girlfriend who many years ago was like, Lindy, you're a little Pollyanna. And she's older and wiser. I just admire her so much. She's like an older sister in Christ. And so I really took that to heart because I think some of it at times, and Father John and I have delved into this a lot before, is like accepting reality, like accepting the reality of myself.
Roxie Beckles (20:52.608)
So.
Lindy Wynne (21:14.583)
the accepting the reality of my feelings, like what I'm really feeling, the accepting the reality of my questions. Like you were saying, Roxie, which I think is really brave is like, is not to just like push down or avoid asking questions of faith. And many years ago, James Day was on Momma's in Spirit in a mini retreat in a podcast. And he said something like, that's why.
we say like, believe or we believe is because we choose to believe. It's a choice to believe. And so it's okay to enter into all the questions and all the things and to truly lay our minds and our hearts and our souls down to God, to Christ, so that we can be that honest and that transparent so that, because God already knows it anyway, but so God can do God's work, God's holy work.
Roxie Beckles (22:08.433)
Yeah, absolutely. mean, and about the Pollyanna comment, mean, honestly speaking, as someone who looks like me, who speaks like me, who carries yourself like me, I mean, I get a lot of scorn from people online for that because I'm not Catholic enough according to their venue of what Catholicism should look like and be like. But the truth of the matter is, is that God has made us in so many different ways, with so many different temperaments and, you know, and so many ways of showing his beauty that
I had to embrace that I'm not going to be like everybody else, but my space online that I again did not ask for God put me here for a reason is to reach those people in the flock who feel marginalized or othered because they don't fit the box of what the Catholic woman in particular is supposed to be. And that's regardless of race or culture or anything like that.
There are a lot of people who are walking in faith extremely devout, who don't necessarily, if you look at them, you would categorize them as someone who's another. there's whatever you say there and have a talk with that person. You'll see how deep their faith is, how strong they are for Christ. So when I see the Pollyanna line, when I was looking for Catholic content,
to just grow because I was already on YouTube watching everything else, you know, so when the hole in my heart to go deeper and fate came along, you know, when I started to realize there's podcasters out there or the time was really podcasters like video channels and stuff. I didn't see anybody who I could truly relate to, you know, like it was either, you know, woman, beautiful Catholic woman married like five, six, seven kids, whatever, which is beautiful. That's not my reality. Or it's the young, you type of young.
Lindy Wynne (23:40.226)
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Roxie Beckles (23:55.802)
Bright eyed Catholic girl, it's, you know, everything's so perfect. I love that. That ain't me. You know, I'm broken. I've got a lot of stuff that I need to live on. And yeah, I've been faithful my whole life. My faith didn't look like that. I stepped away from the faith. I was in constant need. You know, where are the people that look, that have my story? So I think that's when I say that it's not a tide on anyone, but it's a realization. It's an actual real conversation that says that.
Lindy Wynne (24:09.902)
.
Roxie Beckles (24:24.643)
Be careful of who you judge, you know, because we're all part of the body of Christ. I still get it again to this day, people want to, I put out another video that's even more controversial. I'm someone who wears a veil, I love veiling, but I decided to take my veil off because it was a veneer. Because at the same time that I'm wearing this beautiful symbol of submission, my life was not submitted to God. I was not fully God, your will is mine. I want what you want.
Lindy Wynne (24:35.041)
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Roxie Beckles (24:52.975)
I had to learn what that is. I had to get on my knees and pray to the Blessed Mother, just give me a taste of your fiat. Let me know, please, mama, give it to me, please, I have to know. And when I started to, my heart started to change in that way, then I started to veil again, because now my life, there's a supernatural veil over me 24 seven, 365. You could rip the cloth off of my head. I'm still face down revering our Lord, living to what he wants, not what I want. So it's these things like, you know, that are so much deeper.
Lindy Wynne (25:09.689)
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Roxie Beckles (25:22.863)
that people tend to judge if you don't have the veneer, you're not getting all the perfect faith, you're not getting the 20,000 novinas. It's like, but what's real faith here? So that's what I mean when I say that. And I hope to turn hearts back to Christ of all, whether you're the Pauliano or the perfect Catholic, or you're the broken Catholic who's trying to come back to their faith, or you're the atheist who's having this call in your heart to God, but you're looking around like these people don't understand me. Oh wait, that girl might. What does she have to say?
So that's what he is for me. Now, I forgot that was the soapbox. That was the other part I talking about because I don't forgot.
Lindy Wynne (26:03.717)
I loved this about my heart is like burning on fire. It reminds me on the road to a mass when they said, yes, but one of our hearts burning. My heart is like burning listening to you, Roxie. Like I, I feel so engaged in what you're saying resonates so deeply because Roxie, don't know how much you know about mama's in spirit because Roxie lives a very busy life doing her own apostle lit and all your work and all the things in mama's and spirit. Yeah.
Roxie Beckles (26:13.262)
them.
Roxie Beckles (26:25.998)
Rossi's just trying to catch up on sleep. Look, Rossi's just trying to catch up on sleep and she never does. It's okay though. But yes, I did quite a bit of research. Please share more.
Lindy Wynne (26:35.552)
Well, no, all I wanted to share was that people share their testimony here about like things like addiction and infertility and pregnancy loss and loss and and struggling with illness even really serious illness that even their own death like all different kinds of things on mom is this people who have faced sexual exploitation foster care trafficking homelessness like
It's all here because Roxie, I was not raised in a religious home and living witness is what, besides the direct like experience of God, it was living witness. I was like, who are these people that are real? And it wasn't that they fit any veneer. I didn't even know what that was. Like I was way too far away from religion to have any understanding of like that kind of face of piety.
if that's an appropriate way to put it or whatnot, or like that someone fits in some certain box. And I believe that that's one of the reasons that mamas and spirit even came to be is I think I felt a frustration, but yet that's kind of a negative way of putting it. It was really like a call placed on my heart. And like I said, a mustard seed, it was a very positive thing. It's like, I want to know what's real. Like I want to know where God, to use my California language, like God is legit at work.
authentically and how God reaches down when someone is in the throes of addiction or is in the throes of really grave illness even with small children or whatnot like those great moments of like vulnerability and like God does that miraculous work even if it doesn't look like a miracle in the sense of like we might see a Eucharistic miracle or something else of the sort like the miracle in the heart and the soul of another and
Also to your point about like judgment. So Roxie, one of the retreats that I do is the woman at the well. And I believe we're all the woman at the well, the story of the woman at the well, like we are all her and like Jesus meets her in the completeness of truth and the completeness of mercy. And none of us embody that in its fullness. Like we are also human and she was avoiding all the other women likely because
Lindy Wynne (28:54.173)
we hear she had five women and I mean five husbands and there was all these other dynamics going on and so she went at a different time than probably all the other women in the village went to go get water and I do a deep dive into to judging because we all do that right we're all wounded and we all wound and and that is really I think the work of the devil that's the work of darkness like the devil divides and God unifies
And that's why I think my heart's on fire listening to you, Roxie, because you are brave. And I think that you are getting to the heart of the matter in some of this, because I have sat with other women, and I'm a sinner too, and I do things that I should not do. I say things that I should not say. I land myself in reconciliation time and time again, as I believe probably we all do. And yet, sometimes when I hear people judge
other women, like my heart is pained. Like my heart is so pained, like, because we caused that division ourselves. And what I hear from you, Roxie, is like, you're at the receiving end of that, which I understand as someone who does ministry, although I don't think that I have like the same reach as you do. So like you, the amount that you probably receive that is more than the amount that I do.
Yet it's true, like I feel you, it resonates when you say like, you have to be like all in having your yes mean yes, you can't be lukewarm. Like we're all either like, we either learn to continue to lay our lives down time and time again and surrender time and time again, so God can do God's work or we don't.
Roxie Beckles (30:36.843)
Yeah, absolutely. mean, that what you said right there is very profound and it's kind of definitely part of the heart of the matter. know, Christ himself said that he'd rather you be hot or cold because if you're Luke one, he'll just spit you right out of his mouth. I mean, that is like, oh, he's going to spit me out of his mouth. Like you got to choose one or the other. Right. And, you know, so it takes a lot of bravery. mean, especially when you're out in the public about, know, I mean, I can't complain that much because like,
People are gonna be crazy and say whatever they want honey because the devil is busy. Like you know the recent video that I just put out like four days ago already has nearly 50,000 views and like because I put out a video that's about okay Black Americans it's time to come back to the Catholic Church. Okay so every depravity and depraved part you could ever think of you know the demons are out busy honey they're just riding that comment section and you know I try to be as friendly as not friendly, charitable that's the word.
I try to be as charitable as possible, but some people get on my nerves. Okay, so I have to humble myself and decide not to engage, but you have to expect it when you have a platform, you know, because Satan is absolutely going to try to stop whatever goodness God has. And so that's just what it is. But I think even for people in just the regular world, because one of the things that you start to see in these comments is that people are hurting.
Some people have had actual experiences that have made them turn away from God because of how other people treated them in the church. And that's very real thing. Some people are, you know, they have, I don't know how to say this in charitable way, you know, modern people who want to look at history of the church and then act like it wounds them because it happened five years, 100 years ago. And I'm talking about specifically like when we come to conversations about black people, why are you Catholic?
or why become Catholic and it's like, because they enslaved your ancestors and did all this stuff. And it's like, wait a minute, like, let's have a little conversation about that. Right. So you kind of have to know how to talk to people, but also understand that there's some people who have a lot of wounds themselves. I think the interesting thing about having a platform and not even that just in your everyday life, because as Christians, as Catholics, we are mandated under Confirmation
Roxie Beckles (33:02.107)
to spread the gospel to everyone we know. That's part of deal. You know, you have your own personal Pentecost when you get that blessing that you are confirmed in the church. Tongues of fire, you got one. Now it's your job to go out and proclaim the gospel, not just by words, but by actions. But I think what happens when you're someone who's really a faith.
Lindy Wynne (33:07.486)
.
Roxie Beckles (33:23.236)
You want to bring as many souls to Christ as you can. You want to get as many people to heaven. You want to be a saint. You want other people to be saints. And when I say saint, don't mean canonized big saints. mean saints everyone in heaven, right? You want to be there part of the church triumphant. However, you have to understand that you're not going to save everybody and that sometimes your message is not for everybody. And you have to be okay with that because Christ did not beg anyone to come and follow him. If they wanted to walk away, he let them. Sadly,
But that's free will. But I think that even in conversations, one of the things that we all as content creators can learn and what other people can learn because you will face objection, you will face people calling you names because you have the name of Christ on your heart and on your lips and in your actions. You just have to learn how to discern who and when to talk to and who and when to say, you know what, peace be with you, be blessed. Don't even say you pray, in your heart you can say you'll pray for them.
But don't be putting that in the comments, because that triggers them. Okay, then they go, then the demon comes out, they come out, sorry, I decided there. Please be with you and call it a day. So that's my advice. I try to stick to it. My pastor, he just talked to me about that again today. And I was like, yes, sir, I got it. I don't know why I keep hitting my mic. Keep my hands still. Yeah, so that's it. Sorry about hitting the mic there.
Lindy Wynne (34:26.941)
I love you hitting your mic because I mean that's the beauty of your sharing Roxie as well as other things is like the freedom in it
Because I find that the more I lay down my heart in life, albeit very imperfectly, but the more I wrestle and struggle and then return, the freer I become interiorly. And I think what you're touching on is something that I've been being shaped and chiseled in myself is like to be totally and utterly authentic and to stay so deeply rooted in the Lord. Like you used the word before we started, Roxie.
that you're in a very contemplative space. So for those of you who don't know, because I don't think I talk about this very often, is I spent a lot of time alone with the Lord. it's hard. Like, I discovered God as a nine-year-old girl, and that was like so pure and so complete, and that has not changed. What has changed was my conversion into the Catholic Church and discovering Christ and becoming like other centric.
more than self-centric, hopefully and prayerfully by the grace of God, yet that is still very much like a work in progress. Like we're a work in progress for our entire lifetimes. It's just what I've learned is like, I have one boss and Rachel Muha said that to me, I think in a personal conversation with her, she's in a podcast and she's one of the podcasts that is like most like, I'm most like dumbfounded by it for lack of a better word to put it like.
Roxie Beckles (36:15.912)
Thank
Lindy Wynne (36:20.539)
her level of forgiveness is something that's like almost like to me, it's saintly. Like she lost a son to, he was murdered and she ended up starting like work with children that had been raised in a similar way, like in very difficult circumstances, like the boys who had done the murder of her son. And so she has spent her life like for...
the love of God helping these children. It's just incredibly, incredibly moving. And so I bring that up because she's so powerful. And I see this in you, Roxie. It is like the power of the Lord, the power of the Holy Spirit. And she said to me, Lindy you have one boss. You have one boss and it's God. Like you have one kind of person, for lack of better way to put it, that you are accountable to. And it's the Trinity. That's where we're accountable. And Roxie, that's what I'm hearing in you because if we're each
Truly if we believe that we're each fearfully and wonderfully made if we're each called to smallest sainthood like you're talking about If we're if we're all If we believe that if we believe in the sanctity of each human life including our own and that there is a never another life that is going to be created like Like our own then we have one boss and we have a call by the Lord to live fully
And of course we're gonna have all the feels. We're gonna have all the feels, anxiety, fear, all the things. It's just God redeems and God will bless with exactly what we need to be able to navigate through close to Him to fulfill hopefully that call.
Roxie Beckles (37:59.378)
Yeah, absolutely. mean, we both have mentioned the wrestle with God. And I love that specific way of saying it and the analogy because it links back to Scripture when we talked about Jacob literally wrestling with God, but added that transformation, becomes Israel. He becomes completely changed. And we are that as well. It's like you wrestle. And yes, mean, listen, my relationship with Christ is so close that one day, I don't know what happened. I was going through something that I had to
foot at the foot of the cross. I was just miserable that day. And I was like, I argue with Jesus sometimes, like, okay, I'm sorry, I'm going to go back to Confession. I went in bag as like, Father, it's been two minutes since my last Confession. I blaspheme the Lord, here we go. You know, but like, sometimes you just have to wrestle. I mean, of course I didn't mean it, but I was having an emotional moment. Me and Jesus was up in our little box out. He had a slap across my head, you know.
But even after that, whatever, you know, low point I was at, was, it was an opportunity. And that was when I was just truly trying to humble my life, you know, to God say that that was that point where I was really trying to help him just like, maybe about some time last year, sometime, like later near, but anyhow, yeah, it's like wrestling with the Lord and wrestling with your own thoughts about what you believe in. Why? And just like everything is normal.
and it's beautiful if you allow it to transform you. Now I will caution, I will very much caution that one of the things St. Ignatius talks about is when you're going through this, you go harder on the sacraments. You spend mass, you go to Confession, you receive spiritual direction if you can as well by having someone you can talk to who is of faith. Preferably, you know, for me it's like a priest or pastor or if you have someone who's a lay person who's really understands the faith.
very rooted, that can be as well. You don't go through this alone. And that's one thing I should say. I didn't go through that alone. I have a spiritual director, have a daily mass, have a frequently confessions. I'm working through all this while staying close to Christ and then, you know, improving my spiritual life. And I can see why now because I'm in the middle of vocational discernment where I had to go through that to kind of get to where I am to understand where God wants me next. Because I could not be doing anything that I'm doing now.
Lindy Wynne (40:07.098)
you
Roxie Beckles (40:27.854)
and been at the place that I was at all. In fact, when I encountered the people who were doing things that I'm doing now, I kind of laughed like, y'all are crazy. That's a lot of praying. I don't know about that, you know? But yeah, so the wrestling with your faith and trying to figure out what God wants for you is a norm and you should pray for it.
You should pray for your dark nights. You should pray that God gives you. You should pray that you have a moment that makes you question everything in good faith. You should pray for it. In fact, my pastor is really, he's so hardcore. And he's hardcore at Daily Mass. Okay, Sunday Mass, he's still hardcore, but he softens it, because you know, he's got the weekly Sunday Mass people, they try to figure this stuff out. Daily Mass people, goes hard with us. So, you know, we're in LA.
Lindy Wynne (41:12.953)
The other best people.
Roxie Beckles (41:16.607)
half of LA is burning down everything but is everything you look outside the sky looks like we're in the middle of fire and brimstone it was wild okay smoke everywhere you just smell it you don't even know where you were so my parish is in Beverly Hills we were really close you know you're hiding in parks and stuff so my pastor we're in the middle of bass and his homily is that you should pray for you should pray for hardship he's like you know one of the best things you can pray for
He's like, you want to really break someone to cry? praying for the conversion. Pray that they get cancer. Pray that they get something hard that's going to throw them on the back. We were like, father, what is wrong with you? Now hold up people in the audience. Now slow down a second. Let's go hold this three, four minutes. Or you can go ahead and go off and get all offended by that. Some people need something to knock them off on their back. Fall on your back so hard that it transforms them. But you know, sickness and stuff like that, look at the people.
There have been a couple of Catholics, I forgot her name, there was a woman recently who actually passed away who was faithful to the day she died of recently. All of the suffering in that body and everything that she offered up for all the souls and purgatory for all the people suffering, it's just, it's a beautiful thing when you think about how changing. Now I'm not saying you should pray for someone to get it, my pastor was just making a point to be extreme.
Remember people use hyperbole out here in the streets. Okay, he's like Jesus in that way. He's in persona Christi times 10. Okay, but the message is Don't shy away from the hard points pray for them ask for God to give you more struggle Give me a heavier cross side because this process to like give me some more burden You know cuz I'm gonna throw it at your feet. So that way you can help me who said you would so yeah, I mean Listen struggle is fine. It's okay, but it's how do you deal with it?
And who do you have to support you through it and whether or not you're keeping with the sacraments. If you have that in hand, any struggle you're seeing through, anything, anything. And here's the thing. Here's the thing that I'll bow tie this particular tangent and soul box with. When I thought about that, wow, cancer, that's wild, you know? And I think about death and it's like, you're going to pray for someone to get sick and die? I'm dying. I'm afraid of death.
Roxie Beckles (43:36.375)
I'm going take myself out when God calls me home. I'm going to be so happy like Jesus, what took you so long? Because I've been waiting to see you. You have down here with these crazy people. I can't handle it no more. I'm trying to do the thing, but you know, they're making it real hard for me. Thank you. So I'm not afraid of death. You know, so I mean, there's so many perspectives that you can look at stuff. And at the end of the day, God is always at the end of it. So.
Lindy Wynne (44:02.051)
Yes, amen. And I love how you said you're not afraid of death because in this recent podcast with Father John, we talked about that, like fear of one's own death. And I told him that I feel like God's doing a work in my heart to not fear my own death. So Roxie, you're ahead of me and I appreciate that example.
Two other things is Jessica Hanna is who I think you were talking about. She was in a Momma's in Spirit podcast many years ago who faced cancer and passed away from cancer and that's been very public and has touched so many lives and now her husband I believe has taken over her social media and deeply, deeply moving. And at the heart of this podcast, Roxie, correct me if I'm wrong, is what I'm hearing is this idea of really falling on our backs with our gaze up at Christ, but wrestling.
close to Christ, wrestle, like to wrestle because either it's almost like when they say that the opposite of love is apathy. It's like we can either be lukewarm or apathetic or all in and honest and wrestle because I think that if we're gonna be all in, we're gonna wrestle. I think that's probably when we look at the passion to the passion of Christ and we literally look at his walk and his
journey if we look at the stations of the cross and all the images on the stations of the cross it's like that that was insanely difficult and comprehensively difficult and so when we say yes to the lord we are going to wrestle if we are all in yet roxy what i heard from you which is filled with so much wisdom is choose to wrestle close to the lord like don't don't turn away don't use all the vices that are at the heart of a lot of these podcasts right like don't be
obsessed with or fall down into addictions and obsessions or if you need help with those, get help with those, but wrestle close to Christ. Up your game with sacraments, with prayer, with accompaniment with other people who love the Lord with all their heart and soul and who are centered in faith.
Roxie Beckles (46:07.475)
Yeah, I mean, when you think about wrestling, mean, it's and I when I think about wrestling, I think I'm more like Olympic sport kind of wrestling versus like WWE or whatever. They come out with the chair over your head. Not that kind of wrestling. Like I think about the old, you know, ancient sport of wrestling, and that's a very close contact sport where you have two opponents that will
they embrace each other in the struggle, they're body to body. And I think that's a more intimate thing, you know? And so when you have that visual of it, of you still being tactile and close, at some point, God's gonna just take you and just boom, put you in that seduce, that position, I don't know what they call, but you know, you can get you in that headlock and lock your leg up over your neck and that's it. You know, you're like, all right, time and now I'm good, I got you, I got you. And then you come up,
you've got your hand, he's gonna hold you and help you stand back up and keep walking, right? So that's what I think about when I think about wrestling. It's a tactile thing. And so, yeah, that's totally cool. You might wrestle it with God. If you ain't wrestling with your faith, I mean, you've taken it too easy. It's too surfacey. You gotta go deeper, you know, because I think that faith is a lifelong journey that will always help us to grow. And we, no matter how good you are,
how hard you pray, you're human. We'll always have that concubiscence in our souls and in our hearts. And just because you got it down today and you're doing a great job, and next week is fantastic, last week was great, doesn't mean that next month is gonna be the same. Our priests and our religious sisters even, I'm sure, but they struggle with spiritual warfare every single day because they are the head of
Lindy Wynne (47:46.933)
.
Roxie Beckles (48:03.537)
any flock. And so they will attest to tell you that the spiritual battle and the fight for faithfulness, it never ends. It's a daily thing. So I think that if these people who have dedicated their lives to Christ in a way that some people just would never comprehend, if they go through it, they say they do. Look at Padre Pio and other folks and stuff like that.
If they go through that, what makes you think you're off the hook? You know, you're not off the hook. So just be comfortable with that and embrace it.
Lindy Wynne (48:42.863)
Roxie, I love what you're sharing and I love that example of ancient wrestling and that concept of intimacy. You are just a gift like.
I told you I felt drawn to you. Our chaplain actually is the one that connected us, Father John. And I just felt so drawn when I started seeing more of you and hearing more of you. And it really does set my heart ablaze with the Holy Spirit listening to you, Roxie. So thank you so much. Is there anything else before we close that you'd want to share with listeners? And definitely we want to hear how everyone can follow you and can kind of see these videos that we're talking about as well as all the other things that you do.
Roxie Beckles (49:21.585)
Yeah, let's see. mean, I just think the only thing I would say is that the biggest thing that will change your life, there are three things and that is daily prayer, even when you don't want to, and just putting together what one of my favorite saints, St. Jose Maria Escriva says about the plan for life, plan of life.
Like that changed my life as far as being able to follow a way of prayer and living that keeps me in what Jesus Christ tells us to do, which is to pray without ceasing. Right. But it's not just about sitting down and reciting prayers, but prayer is everything in your life, everything that you do, how you live, how you work, how you treat people, how you do the littlest things. so prayer is really important and that's, that's something you can develop over time.
Lindy Wynne (49:52.236)
.
Roxie Beckles (50:22.009)
daily Mass and if you can't do daily Mass, receiving spiritual communion I think is really important. The way I like to think of it is like, again St. Jose Maria talks about the monstrance, the being upliving monstrance. So like when you receive the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ in the host and in the blood, since both species are either one, I mean the thing that blows my mind is that he moves through our bodies like
It goes in our stomachs and our stomachs have to digest it. And then that's traveling through your veins and going into your muscles and your brain and your heart. You literally like that's the thing about the Eucharist, man, y'all better start running to the Eucharist. I understand. gotta eat the, I have to have this. I cannot, listen, that's my breakfast. That's the breakfast of champions. Cause I gotta have it through my veins. And when I can't go, it's already there. Cause you had it, know, at least you received him on Sunday and you hope, know.
And so it's still your body. So you just ask for spiritual communion when you can't go. But that's going to be really transformative. know, because when you start having to show up because you have to have a clean temple body, the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit within you. But you have to have a clean temple because you're making room for the Lord, honey. You're going to be sitting in a lot less. Or at least when you do sin, you got to do the third thing that I would say, which is frequent Confession You know, when I was in hypocrisy like it wasn't a Confession.
That's dumb. People told me, this is you know, Catholic Church is crazy. You just can take your sins to God. That's not the same, baby. Okay. So, freaking crazy. I, I had maybe about 20 years, cause it was like high school, so I'd less done Confession. Went to Confession and it was like, boom, renewal. Then I went every other month. Then I went once a month. I went weekly. Now I do weekly Confession. Perfect. It's these three things. Prayer.
If you start there, your life will change. Everything else will start to fall into place. And I guess that's pretty much where to find me. The best place to find me, you want to hear me dribble on about more Catholic stuff, is on my YouTube channel, That Black Catholic Chick. There you can find a whole bevy of videos of me being as candid as possible, sometimes a little silly, sometimes very serious.
Roxie Beckles (52:41.561)
But most of all, I try to keep it about sharing faith in an authentic way that helps folks live the gospels in real time, in real life. And if you're into the whole fitness thing, all right, it's for women. Now, if you're a man, listen, I got a lot of information. It's for women. It's men can do it too. It's not like, you know, it's any different, but listen, the biggest audience are women, okay? So I'm a candidate too who's coming over here. So you can go to www.
rockstarfitness.com, it's my website. And the YouTube channel is called redefining bodybuilding, redefining not just the vanity of bodybuilding and the physical stuff, but the mental, spiritual, emotional fitness part and how that transforms you, your health from the inside out.
See that's what that black Catholic trip was supposed to be about, about spiritual fitness. But now, you know, I put out one video about being Catholic and blew up and God's like, that's what that's going to be. So there we go. So yeah, that's where you can kind of find my other fitness stuff. I guess I should, you know, I know that you're going to put this in the chat somewhere, Lindy. You're going to put this where people can see it, but there is one more place. Roxie likes to have her hands in everything. Now we got the Catholic channel.
We got the fitness channel, but then we have the Catholic fitness channel. Okay, that I don't put a lot of videos on, child, but go there, because I plan to put some stuff over there. Okay, we talked about the theology of fitness will blow your mind. Anywho. And that's how I got in contact with Father John and all the sudden I was at, you know, I did a presentation at the seminary and then another one of the seminarians. It's like this whole thing. That's how we got here, Liddy, you and I. So blessed be fitness. Blessed be fitness. We just really.
Lindy Wynne (54:03.394)
.
Roxie Beckles (54:28.391)
out on God and fitness and unapologetically because the other channel I gotta kind of watch out for you know because you got people they may be atheists they may be that I'm not going to talk about God's glory in a way that they don't realize that being evangelized to but the ones who will be real open about Holy Spirit and God's Father that's blessed fitness now y'all go ahead and go over there get your evangelization in your body going so
Lindy Wynne (54:51.651)
Yes, these ladies are ready for that channel.
Roxie Beckles (54:54.934)
Okay, and listen guys can come over to you know, and I do I do but don't be complaining if you get on my email list and I'm sending you the glute workout like my pastor did you know, I could never live that down. He does like so you got a workout, huh? I'm like, yeah, you need to do the glute workout because your squats Terrible, apparently, you know, I'm really joking. We have that kind of report
Lindy Wynne (55:17.317)
That is so awesome. I love it so much. Roxie, you have just filled my heart as I imagine you have filled all of our hearts. Thank you so much for being with us.
Roxie Beckles (55:26.974)
Thank you very much. Thank you. really appreciate the opportunity.
Lindy Wynne (55:31.931)
Well, and I hope that everyone listening that you share this podcast with someone so Roxie could set more hearts ablaze with the love of God by the grace of God. And so in that spirit and the Holy Spirit, let us begin and close in prayer in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Amen. Dearest Lord, you are so good and you are just a God of such generosity and goodness. You are a faithful God. We thank you for this opportunity to come together as sisters and brothers in Christ, Lord.
to glorify you. We thank you for Roxie's testimony. We thank you for her heart on fire for you, Lord, and we pray to do the same in our own lives that during this Lenten season and beyond, Lord, that we always choose to wrestle with you because we love you. So we pray to engage completely body, mind, and spirit with you, Lord, the one who loves us most. In your name we pray, amen. In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, amen.
Please go subscribe to Mamas in Spirit on YouTube or Spotify or Apple Podcasts wherever you listen and cannot wait to be together again next time. This is Lindy Wynne with Mamas in Spirit. May God bless you and yours always.